Three Voices

There are three voices in my head.
Not a committee of twelve,
just three.

The still small voice is more like a whisper.
It is the cool north breeze on a hot day.
It is the sound of the sunflower opening its petals.
It is the scent of the Jasmine, "chose me for your hair."
It is the voice I listen to.
I call this voice my spirit voice.
It a beautiful voice.

My second voice is with me daily.
It is a chrip, a look at me.
This is the voice of joy and of sadness.
It is with this voice I fall in love and in wonder.
With this voice I fly over the rainbow.
I call this sweet voice my feeling voice.
I honor this voice.

My third voice is harsh and demanding.
All sorts of instructions come with this voice.
Yesterday the voice said, "Buy bananas."
Over and over it insisted.
I explained, "I buy bananas in the winter.
The store is twenty minutes away, I will put it on the list."
After an hour of non-stop bagering, I relented.
I dressed and went to the store.
I bought bananas.

"Eat banana." Here we go again.
"EAT BANANA!"
I thought they were for the butterflies.
I ate a banana.

In about 15 minutes I started to feel good.
I was not tired.

I call this voice the body voice.
I seldom listen.

I am listening now.
I ate a banana this morning with out prompting.

Sleeplessness

For a few months now,
I don't remember when it started,
April maybe March,
I have not been able to sleep all night.

I have tried herbal remedies, lavender and chamomile teas and blooms.
Still I wake up.
We turned the mattress and bought new sheets.
I lowered the thermostat. Sometimes I woke sweaty.
I do not like to be sweaty.
My husband thinks it is cold in our house.

I fall asleep just fine.
I think of butterflies and dream of beautiful gardens.
After a couple of hours I am awake.
I stay in bed, with my eyes closed.
I try to go back to sleep. It takes an hour or longer before I am drifting again.
Some nights I get back asleep; some I do not.

I figured it was because I was upset over the lost Spring.
My fatigue during the day I thought was from the upsets.
I was resting at night; just not sleeping.
My lack of enthusiasm for gardening I thought was because of all the plants that died.
I would engage a wee bit but I could not sustain the energy.
I was tired.
I was and am always tired.

My friend called last week. She has known me since kindergarten.
She asked me how I was doing.
I told her how I was not so despondent but still seemed to be so very tired.
I told her about mulching and seeds and how I was once again trying to find the connection to my plants.
I told her how I was not sleeping very well.

She said, "Oh yes, the change."
I thought she meant the change in the energies of planet Earth.
The climate change, the way the energies of the third dimension were giving way to the fourth. I went on and on about the density of the third dimension.
She is kind. She listened.
She responded, "Hormones."

I have read "Our Bodies Ourselves" first and second editions. I have looked at my "Wall Chart" of the human body. I have read "Gray's Anatomy". It is rather tedious.
Never did I read that when your hormones change, menopause, one quits sleeping.
In Webster's I read, "hormone--- a substance formed in some organ of the body and carried to another part, where it takes effect."
Oh, that explains it!
All this time I thought it had to do with having babies. I have done that and am happy I did. Also I am happy I am not having babies now. I am too tired to have babies.

My friend told me the body takes awhile to adjust. She assured me I would sleep again.
All this time I thought my sleeplessness was from an emotional disorder or a spiritual, dark night of the soul. Here it was, the body. The last place I would look.
I guess the sleep hormone is changing.

Sunbeams

Today I celebrate the sun.

I have let the gardens go wild.

I am listening to the children play.

It is the Summer Solstice.

I am spending time in my sacred grove.

The Oak, the Ash and the Maple provide me with shade.

I have comfort on this hot summer day.

Comfortable

I have sold both of my 1940's white wrought iron table and chairs sets.
My entertaining in the gardens is over now.

I am making room for what I want.

I am replacing with comfortable outdoor furniture.
A love seat glider with a cushion that I can leave outside would be nice.

I am working on comfortable.
An easier, softer way.

I am making plans for the gardens.
They too will be comfortable.
An easier, softer garden.

I want to sit in the shade and watch the flowers grow in the sun.
My word is comfort.

A Dream

I dreamed...

I was sitting at a dressing table, with my own face in the mirror.
I could see a room in the reflection that was not my current house.
My hands were folded on my lap. I had some sort of dress on with lace and satin, dark in color.
Someone was brushing my hair. I could not see her.
I watched in the mirror as my hair was braided and twisted. Up and up my hair went on top of my head. Little pins that glittered were stuck here and there.

I awoke with the desire to play with my hair.
Like when I was a teenage girl I gathered my hair things and began playing.
I brushed and combed, parted and braided. Up, up went my hair.

I added sprigs of lavender to my "do."

Memorial For The Plants

For the memorial service my daughter sent a card.
It is a picture of her "Plant".
Plant is in her fourth growing season.
She is in a hanging basket that my husband and I gave
when our daughter moved into a new house.
Plant has now moved to another new house and a new city.
Plant blooms.
Plant is loved.

I began digging out the dead Rosemary plants this morning.
One is the foundation for a tray scape.
A bouquet of lavender is the centerpiece.

For the Roll Call of the Plants that Died I added my daughter's photo card and a bloom from my Red Geraniums. A piece from one of my son's plants joined the tray as did my sandcastle incense burner. At one o'clock pm CDT I called my friend.
I rang my bell three times and called in the memories of the plants.
I lit the sage incense my son had sent and a small piece of the Rosemary.
I began the Roll Call.
My friend was my witness.
I rang my bell and said my thank you.

While I was removing my dead Rosemary I saw some new side shoots.
The Rosemary lives.

Today is not a begin again
it is a continue forward.
The Rosemary hedge will slowly grow again.

I honored my plants.
I honored my friend's plants.
I honored all that did not bloom.


Nature is always beginning anew.

Thank you for being my witness.
Thank you for honoring with me.

My Voice

I am silent most days. My husband leaves for work before I awake. My friends work outside of their homes. I spend most of the daylight hours outside. Sometimes I will say, "Hello", to a bird or a bug or when a plant brushes my arm. Sometimes a neighbor will call out or wave.
Most days I am silent.

When I venture into the market place I am polite. I say, "Thank you", but normally I keep to myself as I choose my produce and my shoes. I used to be very sociable. I would chat with other shoppers but lately I have been keeping my own council.

Friday, when I went Thrift Store shopping, ladies would stop and look at the items in my cart. They made different comments and I just nodded. I did not have the desire for idle conversation.
While I was putting a pair of brass peacocks onto the checkout counter, a lady in line behind me asked, "What will you do with those?" I told about a small garden near my front porch where these would go. They would be taking the place of some plants that died. I told how I was decorating my gardens with Thrift Store finds. The cashier said, "I wish I could decorate my gardens. I cannot even look at them."
"Oh, did you lose plants in the April's freeze?" I asked.
She had. She began naming all the different plants that died. She began to cry.
I told her I understood. I told her about the Roll Call Memorial Service I was having. I told her I would include her plants. I told how my Rosemary had died.
The line behind me was growing longer. She glanced at the line. I heard murmurings.
I raised my voice a wee bit. I began talking about honoring the plants. I talked about how much joy they had given us and how it is important to grieve for them. I talked about the value of the flora. I talked about the silence of the frost. She cried as I honored her feelings.
This took maybe three minutes. We finished our transaction and she thanked me.
The ladies in line thanked me too. She said she would find a sweet item for her gardens.

On to Costco! I needed people food and bird seed. There I saw a lady I knew from the days my children were in grade school. She was doing a demo for Dove Miniature ice cream bars. I enjoy one every afternoon. She asked me how I was. I told her I was better. She asked me if I had been depressed. "Yes!" I said. " I have been somewhat despondent over the lost plants from the April freeze." "Me too!" she says and started to cry. We walked over to the freezer case where the Dove Miniatures were kept and she told the names of her trees and bushes and plants that did not survive. She wept. We hugged and I told of the Roll Call. I told her I would include her plants in my memorial service. We talked about our love of the plants. She told me she had no one to share her grief with. I understood.

Some people are dog people or cat folks. Some are wolf-women or owl-men.
Some are plant people.
I no longer will apologize for loving the flora.
I will not abandon myself.

I am a plant person.
I speak it.

Cloudscapes

The clouds were beautiful today.

The winds continued into the late afternoon.
Once again I felt energized.
I trimmed the dead off the hydrangeas. They will not bloom this year.
Perhaps next year. They have new growth so I am pleased.
The Witch Hazels also have new growth. It will be a few years before they come into their own, but they survived.

I talked with a friend this afternoon.
She thought I might make a list of all the different plants that died this spring.
When I am ready she will listen to the roll call. We will give a moment of silence, together. We will honour my plants that died.
I will plan a ritual for the Rosemary. It is hard for me to talk about the Rosemary.
I had a large hedge. I have been propagating for many years. I will not replant. I have ideas on how to use the Rosemary roots and dead stems.
I will do this on New Moon Day. I am grieving for my lost plants.
She understands.
I am a plant person.
She is a wolf woman.
She knows my gardens are my refuge and my strength.
I cried today. I miss so many of my plant friends.
It felt good to share this loss.
As I clean up each growing area and remove the dead plants I am being respectful.
I am saying my, "Thank yous and my goodbyes."

I spent some time with the Lavender.
I am okay now. I have lost many plants before. Trees and bushes and shrubs have died. This year the loss was perennials. Plants I have had for many, many years.
Plants with stories. Plants with names.
I needed to cry.

I really do care.

I took Chris's suggestion and watched the Moon this morning.
I thought long and hard.
How would I get the excitement of house and garden back?
How could I once again be interested in clothes and looking pretty?
I have struggled just to get the laundry done each week.
I love the birds and the butterflies. I love the flowers and the herbs.
I love walking around with my harvest basket snipping and picking our supper.
I love getting the bins out every month and seeing the items again.
I really do care.

I came in and began cleaning the house.
I scrubbed the floors and the bathrooms.
I dusted and vacuumed the carpets.
I did all the laundry.
The entire time I thought about what I wanted.
I thought about color.

All of my walls are white.
They always have been white.
When we repaint we use the same color, white.
I am ready for color!

After lunch I went outside and worked in the flowerbed by the front porch.
While I worked I listened to the birds sing and watched skippers come to the freshly planted snapdragons.
I thought about what I wanted.
I thought about how to make each growing spot beautiful.

I was hot and dirty and tired.
I took a shower and went to the deck.
I let the wind dry my hair.
I thought about how I could be pretty again.

I wear mostly black. I need new clothes.
I am ready for color!

I remembered the pretty nail file I bought a few weeks ago.
I had not used it yet.
It is etched glass.

I gathered together my nail things.
While I spent time with the birds I filed my nails..
I am thinking blue.

Thank you.
I appreciate your support.
I do think change is coming.

I can hear the trees.
I can feel the energy of the wind.
I made an appointment for a facial.

Acting as if

I am still working out in the flower beds.
I keep trying to get the excitement of gardening back.
It is as if a veil is between me and the plants.
I am making the movements, I just do not feel connected.

I bought 108 dwarf snapdragons today.
I thought if I had lots to plant I would be excited.
I also brought home a Mandevilla vine for the front bed.

It will bloom soon.
I hope the Hummingbirds like it.

The Cardinals were singing while I worked today.
Tufted Titmouse came to the feeder in the bed I was working in.
I did not rush for the camera.
I sat and watched and continued my weeding and mulching.

Perhaps I am protecting myself from disappointment.
My tiny, tiny Fairy Garden did not survive April's freeze.
Even the Edelweiss died.
I cleaned out all the dead little plants.

I shall reorder the tiny plants and try again.
I do not want to give up.
I really want to reconnect with the plants.

Maybe if I "act as if" my connect will happen.

Kaleidoscope

Today I play.

I watch the ever changing patterns.

Afterwhile I will blow bubbles.


I perched up.
I took my toys to the deck.
I fixed green ice tea with rose syrup.
Today I play.