Sunday, June 10, 2007

My Voice

I am silent most days. My husband leaves for work before I awake. My friends work outside of their homes. I spend most of the daylight hours outside. Sometimes I will say, "Hello", to a bird or a bug or when a plant brushes my arm. Sometimes a neighbor will call out or wave.
Most days I am silent.

When I venture into the market place I am polite. I say, "Thank you", but normally I keep to myself as I choose my produce and my shoes. I used to be very sociable. I would chat with other shoppers but lately I have been keeping my own council.

Friday, when I went Thrift Store shopping, ladies would stop and look at the items in my cart. They made different comments and I just nodded. I did not have the desire for idle conversation.
While I was putting a pair of brass peacocks onto the checkout counter, a lady in line behind me asked, "What will you do with those?" I told about a small garden near my front porch where these would go. They would be taking the place of some plants that died. I told how I was decorating my gardens with Thrift Store finds. The cashier said, "I wish I could decorate my gardens. I cannot even look at them."
"Oh, did you lose plants in the April's freeze?" I asked.
She had. She began naming all the different plants that died. She began to cry.
I told her I understood. I told her about the Roll Call Memorial Service I was having. I told her I would include her plants. I told how my Rosemary had died.
The line behind me was growing longer. She glanced at the line. I heard murmurings.
I raised my voice a wee bit. I began talking about honoring the plants. I talked about how much joy they had given us and how it is important to grieve for them. I talked about the value of the flora. I talked about the silence of the frost. She cried as I honored her feelings.
This took maybe three minutes. We finished our transaction and she thanked me.
The ladies in line thanked me too. She said she would find a sweet item for her gardens.

On to Costco! I needed people food and bird seed. There I saw a lady I knew from the days my children were in grade school. She was doing a demo for Dove Miniature ice cream bars. I enjoy one every afternoon. She asked me how I was. I told her I was better. She asked me if I had been depressed. "Yes!" I said. " I have been somewhat despondent over the lost plants from the April freeze." "Me too!" she says and started to cry. We walked over to the freezer case where the Dove Miniatures were kept and she told the names of her trees and bushes and plants that did not survive. She wept. We hugged and I told of the Roll Call. I told her I would include her plants in my memorial service. We talked about our love of the plants. She told me she had no one to share her grief with. I understood.

Some people are dog people or cat folks. Some are wolf-women or owl-men.
Some are plant people.
I no longer will apologize for loving the flora.
I will not abandon myself.

I am a plant person.
I speak it.


Sheila said...

I read this and I cried ..

Sheila said...

I have come back to say I understand.
Every time I lose a plant, I am upset. Partly because I feel I have failed it, but part of the grieving is also for me.
I realize that it will be another year before I will see it bloom in my garden. I will replace it, but a year is lost, a year of my life that I cannot replace, and a year of my life that will be devoid of it's flower outside my window. I am running out of years and each one, like the plants that are lost is so precious.

smilnsigh said...

What a wonderful day of affirmation, for being yourself. Look at the people you helped.

Wonderful entry.


Q said...

Dear Sheila,
Friend of mine, thank you. As you can tell "Walking in Beauty" is about this inner walk we all have. Sharing it can be difficult! Thank you for crying with me.
When I became aware of how grief stricken I really was I went ahead and allowed myself to "feel" the sadness.
I did share with my daughter, she offered her spring to me, and my son, he brought me flowering tea for comfort. My husband knew and offered to replant with me. I had "shared" this loss but still something was missing. Once my friend gave me the idea of the memorial service I began to feel so much better! Perhaps it is the "act" of doing something that made the difference.
While I was out shopping and realized how others were silently suffering I decided to speak up. Grieving is grieving regardless of the loss. Sharing this sadness somehow feels better, the not alone.
Yes, I agree. As we grow older we realize how important each year is. I think we treasure each aspect of our lives a wee bit more.
Thank you for being with me.

Q said...

Dear Mari-Nanci,
We never know do we?
By not being silent, by honoring myself and my plants, I was able to open the door for others. Grieving over lost plants seems silly, most folks understand the loss of a loved one, or a family pet but few understand the loss of loved plants. For me I love them all!
It was a great feeling of affrimation for me.. You are so kind to affrim me here and at Corner. Out in the "real world" I get little affrimation. After my Friday shopping I realized it is because I seldom speak of my "way" my "walk".
Now I shall!
I appreciate you.

Gypsy Purple said...

What a stunning and honest post...I SO understand!!!

Q said...

Dear Gypsy Purple,
Thank you.
Not abandoning self is important to me. Just being who I am!
I think it is important to respect others too.
Hopefully we all will be who we are and share joy and compassion.
Each of us has talent and the world needs us.
Thanks for chatting.

Sprite said...


Oh! Sherry,

I love that you offered of your truth and your story to the people.

I love that you will not abandon your self or your feelings.

I appreciate how you are sharing here, and offering it as a place of refuge to others to share.

Time is moving by swiftly, I understand. I hear you. I know you. I understand you. I feel your precious intentions.

You are such LOVE embodied, I cannot help but cry.

Loving you through to the end,


Q said...

Dear Sprite,
I think I will need to put post it notes all over my house for awhile so I remember! I have abandoned myself for so many years that not to is different! I seem to do so alot!
It is acquiescing to others all the time that is part of the self abandandment. It is the "be nice" and "do not cause trouble" messages from my past. My daughter is helping me be aware of when I do this. she also is learning to speak up and out!
To speak up meant I was inconveniencing others. When I realized the silent suffering I knew I had to.
I once again need to be part of this world. I have sheltered myself long enough.
Having this open forum is part of going public, of speaking up and out!
My hope is others will feel safe here in doing the same.
Thank you for listening to my "Speaking Up!"

Sprite said...



Use Your Voice!


L~ sprite